Cathy's blog

I was raised in a conflict-averse family. We'd often have a difference of opinion, but we'd say nothing, bite our tongues, pretend nothing had happened. 

Our family motto was: *thou shalt not speak up*.

Any disagreement, unhappy feeling, or frustration would be carefully swept under the carpet, never to resurface again.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt people. But often saying nothing creates - unintendedly - precisely the opposite. 

If we don't say what we think and feel, there's no real connection, no trust. 

In a group of people, there will always be differences of opinion.

It's healthy to express these differences of opinion. That's how we learn from each other & grow as a person.

And - however counter-intuitively it may seem - that's how you build healthy relationships.

The same is true for relationships at work. Unfortunately, work relationships tend to be handled in 1 of 2 ways:

1. Relationships at work are focused on content and ratio alone. Let's just focus on the job at hand, and all will be well.

2. We handle relationships at work with gloves on. If something's wrong, we don't tell the person to their face (that would be rude and disrespectful). Instead, we let them 'feel' it. *After all, they are intelligent people, surely they realize that what they're doing is not OK?*

In both cases, we're putting a lot of energy into NOT addressing the issue. But not in a way that will solve anything.

We're just adding to our frustration, and possibly to the gossip. 

What kind of culture do you want to build?

One where people feel safe to speak up? Where they use their brain & their creativity?

Or one where people just execute, you have to take all the decisions and meetings can feel like a battlefield where everyone is covering their own a**?

If you want to build a culture of trust, innovation & ownership, you have to communicate transparently - a lot. 

One of the most important rules in any relationship is: talk to - don't talk about.

Don't sweep it under the carpet, put it on the table.

When open conversations become part of the culture, people become the best versions of themselves.

When you avoid conversations, people become defensive, secretive, and just a shadow of what they could be.  

We call this the Kindness Paradox.

What can you do instead?

Be crystal clear in your message. Don't leave any room for interpretation.

And at the same time, be gentle in the relationship. Show you care & want to help.

You got this!