Cathy's blog

Yes, you're right.

This IS a trick question.

Of course, you don't know - that's the whole point.😉

Have you ever found yourself in discussion with someone - when after lots of hesitation and sweaty armpits -  you've finally mustered up the courage to tell them about this annoying habit they have? And they honestly didn't realize that's what they were doing?

And the only thing that you can think is: *Seriously??? How could you not know??? It's there all the time!*

Allow me to burst your bubble... You have something like that as well!

We all have. And it's called your blind spot.

So what's a blind spot? And why should you care?

A blind spot is a habit that you have, but don't know you have. It's a subconscious, repetitive behavior that -usually- you've learned at a very young age. A habit that's become so much part of you, that you don't even realize anymore that you have it. Or that others don't.

My husband comes from a family of *discussers*. His parents enjoyed lively discussions, in which they fervently defended their point of view. And they've handed this love over to my husband. This is their normal & expected behavior.

I, on the other hand, come from a no-discussions-permitted environment. We'd have this metaphorical huge carpet in the middle of the room under which we'd swipe any possible argument. Silent suffering was our greatest good. That's what I learned was normal, and what I was persuasively invited to copy.

Now both me and my husband didn't realize just how much we'd copied our parents' behavior and integrated it as a completely transparent habit, until we were confronted with the exact opposite behavior in each other. The frictions we had early on in our relationship were spectacular, to say the least.

I wanted to crawl under the carpet - he wanted to have it all out.

It would have been so easy to blame each other - for what we both experienced as completely inappropriate and disrespectful behavior.

But we care about each other so much, and so we've both taken a long and honest look at our own behavior, habits, and patterns.

Until we could see our own particular blind spots for what they are. Unhelpful, old habits, that leave little room for a different approach.

Now I've known for a long time that avoiding discussion & conflict is not the way to go.

There's no way to keep the elephant in the room covered with even the best virtual carpet.

But it wasn't until I met Daniël that I realized just how much I had copied an internalized the aversion of conflict from my parents.

And that me shutting down whenever we had a difference of opinion, wasn't helping anyone.

Daniël had known for a long time that he could be *a bit* overwhelming in discussions for some people, but never realized just what it could do with others until he met me.

We all have these habits and behaviors that seem perfectly normal and standard, until we meet someone with a different world view.

These blind spots are perfect opportunities for personal growth.

If you're willing to look at yourself, you invite the other person to do the same.

A good relationship is not one where there's never a conflict,

but one where you trust that you'll come out stronger on the other side of the discussion.